Indian government retires the name ‘Grahul’

The Indian government today unanimously passed a resolution retiring the name ‘Grahul’. Tabling the Act to Repeal Select Etymology, 2027 (A.R.S.E.) in parliament is only a formality thanks to wide disarray in the opposition, though its passage will have widespread implications. The Bill will effectively outlaw the usage of the name ‘Grahul’ by anyone in the country. Contrary to earlier speculations, ARSE has been applied retrospectively resulting in deep inconvenience for a lot of people who were unfortunate to already been given this name by their parents.

Defending the government’s ARSE, Mr. Milkshake Wingvi dismissed suggestions that formulation of his Act was done to curry favour and garner brownie points from the high command. The eminent lawyer shot back, arguing “…it was a well established precedent with jersey number 10 worn by Argentinean striker Maradona being retired several years back. This has also happened in several other sports. After all a name is just like a number…but with numbers instead of letters, so there is no legal hurdle to do this. This is being done to commemorate the 55^th birthday of India’s beloved youth leader and to mark his achievements”. However, the press meet was abruptly called to a halt just after a foreign journalist, unaware of Indian culture, audaciously asked for an elaboration of Grahul’s achievements.

The 600 section Act contains detailed rules regarding the use and misuse of the names specified in its Appendix. While currently the Act applies to only one name, it is rumoured that the government may include a few more over the next few years. The original name owner will have to suffix the words “ARSE” after using the name just like the words “TM” are used under the Patents Act. The rights holder to a particular name will be designated as the “proprietary ARSE holder” in legal parlance and will be able to grant rights to any other deserving person to take on that name, such persons will be designated as “special ARSE receivers”.

Apart from ordinary citizens with the misfortune of being named Grahul, eminent star Farukh Khan has been reportedly asked to dub about re-dub about 500 historical films of his where the protagonist name is now being ARSE’ed. This is clearly a developing story, watch this space. 

D:Fake news, meant to be satirical. Resemblance to actual real life characters is coincidental and I cannot be proceeded against!