Faking News: Congress proposes fuel adulteration as solution for inflation

Harrowed by the never-ending corruption cases and uncontrollable inflationary pressures, the government is facing new protests over the most recent increase in fuel prices. Towards this end a high-level meeting chaired by Sonia Gandhi, UPA’s cabinet committee proposed the legalisation of fuel adulteration as the most effective solution for the problem.

Ex-Finance Minister Chidambaram was the first to meet mediapersons to explain the ground-breaking decision. “The law of demand and supply is the most fundamental building block of economics that I was taught in Harvard. See, India demands ‘x’ litres of petrol every year but only a lower, ‘y’, litres are available. This structural mismatch causes equilibrium to happen at a higher price point straining the public purse. The only way to keep prices stable then is to increase the availability of petrol. Since we have no magic wand, like the honourable Prime Minister has repeatedly clarified earlier, why not use adulteration agents to expand the supply of fuel”. Chidambaram continued “the beauty of the decision is that it simultaneously solves a lot of criminal and corruption issues as well and will hit a chord with the youth of today. With adulteration legalised, various criminal cases such as the burning of the municipal officer and the murder of a journalist recently can be closed without unnecessary arrests.”

In the aftermath of this landmark decision, it was after a long time that a confident Congress faced the opposition in the Lok Sabha. UPA spokesperson, Kapil Sibal, said that since no additional fuel would be imported to meet demand, this move would lead to a zero-loss to the exchequer. Rahul Gandhi, interrupted Zero Hour in the Lok Sabha to argue pointedly that since there are two Indias, why could there not be two fuels for the country – adulterated and unadulterated. He further proposed snatching the initiative and making constitutional changes to similarly regularise criminal activity and take workload off the various courts in the country. Only the Prime Minister Mr. Manmohan Singh seemed a bit surprised with the move and gave the impression of being left completely out of the loop on decisions being taken by his government. Digvijaya Singh when contacted for comments on the new fuel policy said “Hindus are the biggest threat to the world today. Unless dangerous people such as Baba Ramdev and Anna Hazare are not dealt with a firm hand India cannot hope to be a superpower. The cry to hang convicted terrorists like Afzal Guru and Ajmal Kasab only highlights the communal nature of the RSS and I have phone call transcripts to prove their involvement in the 9/11 attacks on the U.S.A.” While this comment seems out of place, media is now accustomed to it being repeated in response to any question that is asked of Mr. Singh.

The opposition is flabbergasted with the governments response and self-congratulatory attitude even as small time fuel adulterators reposed their faith in the elected government. There is already talk on publicising this unique decision as Rahul baba’s brainchild to launch him on the national stage in 2014 as a Prime Ministerial candidate.




--this is a work of fiction, all references to people living/dead or appearing to be living/ dead are coincidental and not meant to hurt their sentiments (in other words, I am perhaps an idiot for thinking free speech is allowed in India but please dont arrest me under the new cyber law) 

Ajmal Kasab to contest 2014 elections

In a new development, Ajmal Kasab the alleged terrorist implicated in the 26/11 strike on India has expressed his desire to contest the 2014 elections from a South Mumbai constituency. A letter containing this wish, written in Marathi by Kasab’s hand, was handed over by Kasab’s lawyer to the presiding judge Tahliyani, whose expression is best described as dumb founded. 

The media went into a tizzy with several questions being raised on the nationality of the Kasab and, to a lesser extent, the heinous crime he is alleged to have committed. While most political parties have refrained from supporting or condemning this move given that Kasab has not yet decided under which emblem he will contest, the Samajwadi Party extended its full and unconditional support to his proposal.

The SP chief Mulayam Singh Yadav argued that the court had not yet ruled on his nationality or on his culpability in the 26/11 case. “How can we hold him guilty then?” he quipped before adding that he had full faith in the justice system of India. He also pointed out that if his party began rejecting candidates based on accusations alone then he would be unable to field anyone, anywhere in the country. He went on to cite examples of leaders such as Advani and Sonia Gandhi who were born outside the country but were seen as acceptable candidates by the intelligentsia. He quoted examples of Khan Abdul Gaffar Khan and Mother Teresa as proof that one does not have to be born in India to work for her welfare. When it was suggested that a large chunk of Mumbaikars considered Kasab to be guilty, Mr. Yadav uncharacteristically flared up challenging them to then vote him out in the next elections before simmering down and asking people to “let the law take its own course”. He is confident that Kasab would consider SP as the ideal platform for his political career and has even deputed Abu Azmi to negotiate on the Party’s behalf. 

The Shiv Sena and MNS went on a rampage as the news broke and attacked and maimed several butchers in various part of the city. Fisherwomen selling their goods on the roadside also faced their wrath as the saffron parties vowed to wreck havoc on anything to do with fishing boats and butchery. “If Kasab is allowed to contest elections, then we will not spare a single butcher in the whole state” a MNS leader said to the media amidst the mayhem though was unable to give the exact reason for targeting butchers. 

Shabana Azmi welcomed Kasab’s move and called him “one of our own” and reminded the country that Gandhiji has asked us to destroy the evil inside the man and not the man. She said that if Kasab won the election it would be a matter of pride and would be the proof of the strength of India’s democrazy and the “spirit of Mumbai”. 
In the meanwhile, Kasab has requested jail authorities to supply him with an Urdu copy of the Indian constitution and is often seen practising speeches in the lonely confines of his cell. A policeman on condition of anonymity told our bureau that all investigations against Kasab have been discontinued as officers fear retribution should he get elected to the august house.